Maths Non Calculator- Section A

As soon as I flipped over the front page, I knew.  I knew I’d  find it too hard. I tried to appear calm, although I could feel my heart beat quicken in my chest, and my breath started to get caught in my throat.

‘Just try it,’ I told myself. ‘What MORE could they possibly do to you?’

I leant forward, in order to see the page closer up; a part of me hoped I’d misread it the first time. I hadn’t.

I glanced up at the clock. About thirty seconds had passed.  I decided to read it again before I put pen to paper.  

‘2x²+3x-9=1’ I carried on. ‘2x²+3x-4=0’

So the trap they had set for me was laid bare. But I was yet to find out what they wanted me to do. What it was, in fact, that they wanted from me.

‘Solve this simultaneous equation.’ And that was that.

I felt eerily calm, actually. Neither dead nor alive. After all, what difference would it make; whether I added, or subtracted, I’d be wrong. I’d ALWAYS be wrong.

I was afraid to look up from my paper. I didn’t want to be thought a cheat, and yet, the more I stared at this swirling abyss of letters and numbers…I felt sick.

I decided to look upwards- it was a safe direction. I must have been looking directly into a light, but I don’t think I noticed at the time.

A single tear rolled down my cheek.

So Hungry You Could Eat A Horse?

Yeah, this story has been on the news for quite a while now. For people who aren’t in the UK, or just don’t know what’s going on… Unsuspecting Brits have been buying and eating beef products, that have turned out to be horse.

What?

Now, many people I know have been freaking out about it. Which is fair enough. But I don’t really feel any negative emotions except that people should know what they’re buying, and get what they paid for. I, personally, don’t feel sick to my stomach about maybe eating some   feeble creature reminiscent of Boxer from ‘Animal Farm’. Well now I’ve given the meat a personality, I feel a little guilty… BUT, my point is, that if this horse-beef was injected with some ionising traquliser that turns you into a mutant after you’ve eaten it… There’s nothing you can do about it now. 

Seriously, so you might as well all stop worrying, and enjoy life. If you’re lucky, you might even get a horse related super power. Isn’t that how it works?

Happy Halloween!

It’s a Were-Coconut. Its cute.

Hey, guys! Ok, I think we ALL know whats going on here… Halloween! Ah, Halloween, the one day a year where a man can walk down the street wearing a mask and carrying a sickle, and not get stopped by the police. Actually… the one day a man can wear a mask, carry a sickle, and offer sweets to random children, and not get stopped by the police.

Do you like the picture? I think I’m going to start including them in my posts because I think they brighten them up? They do, don’t you think?

Ok, with that said… Halloween. Now, I’m not American, I’m English, and Halloween really isn’t that big of a deal here. Don’t get me wrong, we still dress up and trick-or-treat and all that jazz, but we don’t get as EMOTIONAL about it as Americans seem to. I don’t know about Australia, France and Canada though, is it big there too? To be honest, I’ve only had one trick-or-treater today, and they’ve already pissed me off. I mean, who trick or treats at 5 pm?

Anyways, that being said, I think the best part of Halloween is the scary stories. Not because they’re actually scary, but because they are so amazingly stupid that they’re funny. I mean, half the characters in these stories bring death upon themselves. I mean, look at these first sentences.

1. One Halloween, the parents of a young girl, due to prior arrangements, were forced to leave her home alone for the night. Seriously, if your child can be described in a story as a ‘young girl’… they shouldn’t be left alone at home. And especially on Halloween; they really want to tempt fate, don’t they? Like, what if she gets attacked by demons? Who she gonna call? Ghostbusters?

2. An old woman lived alone on a foggy hill, miles away from any village or town. Well… I can’t see anything going wrong here. I’m taking now as an oppurtunity to promise to both my parents: I will NEVER let you live like that in your old age. Never. :3

3. The parents of a young girl had an interest of clowns, and so collected clown items from around the world, and kept them all in one room. Oh wow. Wow, wow, wow. Well I must tell you, that aside from spiders, and the devil himself, clowns are the scariest thing on this planet. Anybody, ANYBODY who is sane, would not bring that kind of evil into their home. And do you know what? I am not surprised that some escaped murderers decide to dress up as clowns. They go hand in hand.

4. A woman gave birth to a child whose father was the devil. Ok, I think we’re done for the day.

Anyways, I think Halloween is good. Because sometimes its nice to have an excuse to eat sweets, and stuff. And since i just realised I’m home alone… I’m going to plan my emergency exits and what not.

And believe me, if i die tonight… I am SO haunting my enemies!

Words That Should Not Be

Is it just me, or are there just some words in the English Language that just sound socially unacceptable? Most of the time, it’s not even the definition of the word, but the word itself. They way it sounds… or the way if feels in your mouth when you say it. My friend and I went through a phase where we wrote down all the words that gave us the creeps.

Scalp.

Phlegm.

Snog.

Just a few of the multiple of words that fell out the armpit of the English Language. I mean, ew, who thought of words like that!?

Moist.

Ew! At first, I thought I should explain why I hate these words… but no. No. I think they should speak for themselves.

Flesh.

Viscous.

Oyster.

Even a word like pork.  It doesn’t sound that bad… Or does it? Think about it. Say it out loud a few times. Seriously, it’s the same with all these words. You might think there’s nothing wrong at all with these words. But say them very slowly… and say them out loud.

Puss.

Mucus.

Sloth.

…

Mutilation.

Ok, granted, most of these words, have nasty meanings anyway, but still!

Now, I’m not knocking English; I love it. I love learning new words; beautiful words, like superfluous and iridescent. However, sometimes I’ll come across a word like ‘squalor’ and just wonder why?

WHY!?

Urgh, anyway…I’ve said these words so many times over that they don’t even sound like English anymore. They sound like Elvish or something. I don’t know… am I even normal?

I’m starting to think I’m not.

Creepy Things Salad Fingers Has Said

Salad Fingers is a cartoon series on YouTube that peaked in around 2005, however, my friend and I found ourselves watching it quite recently. For those that don’t know, Salad Fingers is a man who lives alone in a rickety shack, and is generally just insane. Not as in Nicki Minaj, insane, but more like ‘Silence Of the Lambs’ insane. But the most disturbing aspect about these cartoons is… the fact that they are so darn addicting! You just HAVE to watch the next episode to see what happens. And here are the wonderful quotes from the first four episodes, that make Salad Fingers so chilling.

1.The feeling of rust…. against my salad fingers… is almost orgasmic… Ok. Do I  really need to explain how this is creepy!? I will anyway. In this episode, we are introduced to Salad Fingers and are immediately    told about how much Salad fingers likes rusty spoons, and other rusty objects. We see him ‘caress’ a rusty kettle at the end of the episode. Boy, is this gonna be a rough ride…

2.I like it when the red water comes out…. Urgh. In this episode, Salad Fingers prepares dinner for his friends (who are in reality, finger puppets who Salad Fingers as named Hubert Cumberdale, Marjory Stewart-Baxter and Jeremy Fisher).  He says he ‘has a fish cooking in the oven’ for them but he ‘can’t reach it’. He then lures a child into his house to get it out for him. Whilst the child climbs into the oven to get the fish for him, Salad Fingers holds the oven door open, until he gets distracted by a rusty nail on the wall. Salad Fingers then proceeds to push his finger through the nail because he likes it when the ‘red water’ comes out. When he passes out from the pain (I suppose), he imagines he’s in a massive meat freezer. He touches the nails and raw meat whilst singing ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ from the Wizard of Oz. Hmm. Whatever floats his boat, I guess?

3. It seems…the nettles…have made the milk drop out… from inside my teat. This is just sick. At the beginning of this episode we see Salad Fingers rubbing nettles all over his hands because he likes the feel of them. Later on, he takes off his shirt to rub the nettles on his chest. I can safely say that my friend almost cried from the creepiness.

4. *Breathes* Oh my goodness, this episode. To cut a long story short after Salad Fingers comes home, he sees a giant woodlouse just walking around. He decides to name it Bordois, and refers to it as ‘little sister’. Then… Then he just looks at it and breathes. And they were the longest four seconds of my life. My goodness, I’m reliving it now, and  all I can do is laugh nervously. As if this wasn’t enough, Salad fingers then goes on to say to Bordois: ‘Your body is so much fun… I’d like to give it a big stroke.’ he does, and as he touches the woodlouse to pet it, he crushes it underneath his finger.

Oh Salad Fingers. :’)  Although I felt uncomfortable every moment I watched it, I felt I had to… just to see what he’d do next. And if you want to watch it, my advice would be to not watch it alone. And don’t watch it if you plan on sleeping that night.

 

Green Bullets and Other Shenenigans

Oh,  my goodness! Has it really been THAT long since I last posted!? I didn’t realize… I’ve been really busy, and I’m SORRY. But it won’t happen EVER again. Probably.

So what has happened since we last saw each other?

1. I took my first major exam. I spent AGES revising, and I just hope it payed off.

2. Its SUMMER! Which is actually really overrated. I mean, the first three days you’re all excited and stuff, like ‘SUMMER! WHOOOOOH!’. But what happens next? You get bored and lonely. Then you start wishing school was back on. Until the last week of your holiday, when you realize you’ve done NOTHING with your life, and start wishing for extra days. This doesn’t work, and you end up in  school. And what happens a week in…? You want a holiday. I’m telling you, its a pointless, torturous cycle of tears.

3. London 2012 Olympics. Its amazing how a sports event can bring such a great feeling of unity to a nation. At first, I wasn’t too excited, but let me tell you, after the FORMIDABLE Opening Ceremony, I started to realize what it was all about. I bought a Great Britain skirt and everything. And I’m not even a sports person. My family have been glued to the television for almost seven consecutive days, and team GB has been doing SO WELL. The only other athlete we have actually supported was Usain Bolt. Because some of our family friends are Jamaican, and lets be honest. He’s awesome.

4. Green Bullets. Yeah, Green Bullets. For those of you who don’t know, Green Bullets are environmentally friendly bullets. Which, to me, sums up how twisted our world is. Like, “Here, take these bullets, and KILL someone!… Oh, stop CRYING; they’re good for the ENVIRONMENT!”

So, that’s about it. And have you noticed, how all through the Olympics, the sports news has been coming BEFORE Syria and stuff? And whilst that’s kinda a little bit messed up, I think its a good thing. Its how the news SHOULD be. No wars, just sport. I think sport is a healthy replacement for war. Because sport is like war, except its better, because nobody has to die.  So now, I’m going to go and paint my face the colour of my flag, and you sir… should do the same.

R.I.P Burger King Chips

Yesterday, I decided to mourn the end of the Easter holidays with a trip to Burger King. Little did I know that the end of the holidays was not all that I was to be mouning.

My local Burger King has changed their chips.

And not for the better either. The only reason I actually liked Burger King was for their chips,but now they’re gone. They’ve been replaced with what I can only describe as KFC’s excuse for chips- if not worse.

Which now makes McDonalds my favorite fast food restaurant. Well done, well done.

And as for KFC…they’re right down the list. Especially since all those rumors in which they don’t even use real chickens in their meals- just genetically modified headless bodies. I know its probably not true, but is that really a risk you want to take?

So, um, I guess the point of this short post was to warn you of the impending disappointment that is inevitable, if you buy my local Burger King chips from this day forth.

Why Spiders Should Burn in Hell

So yesterday, I was in my bed. It was about 11.00, and I was just checking my phone for texts and updates before I left it to charge.

I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, I felt the urge to look up. I did, and right in the corner of the wall, between two walls and a ceiling, was the biggest, nastiest, most disgusting arachnid I had ever seen.

I’m not joking; you know how some spiders have a small  body, and long spindly legs? Yeah, well this was  not one of those spiders. It had a massive triangular body, and thick  extended legs.

And I looked at it, and it looked at me. I could tell, it was sizing me up. This went on for what felt like hours, and just when I thought that maybe I stood a chance, it suddenly darted across the room. I swear its legs were moving so fast I couldn’t even see them.

My instinctive thought was Oh HELL no, and before I knew it, I was running too. I literally burst through the door. I slid down the stairs (my feet were slowing me down), and and flung open the door of the cupboard, where the hoover was kept.

I don’t know where I got the strength to carry the hoover up the stairs as quick as I did, but somehow, I found a way. I slowly re-opened my bedroom door, and tried to plug in the hoover as silently as possible. I didn’t want to startle our little friend.

I located the enemy- it was on the other side of the room. I positioned the nozzle before turning it on. And here is the worst part. It wouldn’t go in. 

Well, not immediately. It took like thirty seconds- no exaggeration. After it was gone, I ran the hoover for another three minutes, just to make sure.

I did not sleep well that night.

Spiders disgust me.